WhateverBlog

So Jealous

2005-09-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

Writing about feeling disconnected is often an oblique cry for attention, especially when blogging.

I'm feeling disconnected this week, literally and figuratively. As mentioned in my previous post I've still got to set my computer up in my new space; being in front of a computer for eight hours a day really de-emphasizes the need for the computer at home, but I'm sure that'll change once I want to watch porn again, which will be any moment now, I'm sure.

I'm noticing a steep drop-off in online presence with my pals, but to be quite honest, I'm sure some of them spend more time on instant messenger than I do. I prefer e-mails and blogs to IMs, you can time-shift with those. I've got too much to do with my free time like podcasting (har), porn (har har) and catching up with my late seventies-early eighties night time soaps.

Dallas, anyone? I saw the DVD for season one and two at the Blockbuster last week and simply couldn't resist. Not that I ever watched the show when it came out, I was negative four when it first aired, and I was really surprised that it stayed on until 1991. And not because I have an affectation toward boot-scootin', oil-moneyed conservatives, at least not real ones. I just thought I'd give it a watch for the vintage effect. I have to report that these writers were pretty damned good. The characters are bigger than life caricatures of reality that get to be really addictive as the series moves forward. I'm already on episode six, and Shakespearian plot traps are already being set...I'm just waiting for the mistaken identity set-up to spring the first dramatic death of the series, but I'm almost certain that'll play out in the future "Who Shot J.R.?" story-arc.

Wow, talk about sidelined. I didn't really have a point to this entry, just thought I'd try to vary content a little.

My other blogs are so jealous.

Moving Out

2005-09-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

I'm almost moved out of my beautiful two-bedroom apartment in West Campus here in Austin. It took a solid afternoon of grueling, backbreaking work to move the small amount of heavy furniture out of my old place on Saturday. Actually, it was the smaller stuff that gave me the most trouble, you see I lived on the third floor, so it's actually more convenient to move larger things down, at least then it's only a few trips. The smaller stuff that I moved without the help of Jude took forever with all the stairs! I still have a few things in the apartment, then I sweep, clean the refirgerator, and I'm done.

Actually I'm really sad to see the place go. I'm not upset that I'm losing the space, or the proximity to work. Well maybe a little, but what really gets me is that it, for a time, was a place where I was really happy. Things seemed to make more sense and everything was...right there, for a time. Things changed dramatically the Summer, though and all that sense and rightness morphed into something else entirely. For that, I'm not sad to see the place go. I mean, a new place could be symbolic for a new beginning and that's how I should be viewing this change.

Wow, my podcast is gathering dust in the corner right now. Excuses, excuses. Apologies. Whatever. I'm just taking a break to get myself resituated in my new space. I haven't even got my computer set up yet. I'm having a bit of a rethink about what the show should be. I like the audioblog feel of it, but at the same time, I'd love some original non-bloggish content. Podcasting to me is still incredibly theraputic and gratifying, but I wonder if I could do more with it.

"...Betrayal of Self by Denial?"

2005-09-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

Hey, in a sick twist of dramatic irony my birthday is tomorrow!

Three cool-points to anybody that can figure out what's so sick and dramatic about it. You have five seconds to comment.

Ok, no takers? Well here it goes -

So, I was going along this time last year. I left Abilene where I'd spent the Summer trying out a new life when I decided it wasn't working out for me. I return to Austin, get a crap-job that paid nothing, two weeks later replaced that job with another crap job that paid a lot more so I was happy about it. Met an older guy with an accent, messed around for about two months, but it didn't go anywhere because he's in the closet and I refuse to be (there were other reasons too, but this was the biggest one for me personally). Then, a month later I meet Ben! Yay, my first real adult relationship, whoo hoo! We skip the dating phase becasue we both agreed that it's tired, passe, and for the most part reserved for the heteros out there who still believe in it; I'm not discounting a place for dating in gay culture, of course. After a month in, I admit I'm in love, he admits he's in love and we shortly move in together. Things progress nicely in a steady linear fashion, as all things attempt to do. I suddenly found myself at May, knowing there was precious little time left, afterall Ben's an exchange student. Duh! Emotional sabotage, anyone? The alternative, betrayal of self by denial? Ooh, catchy. Anyways, I found myself on a shrinking island that went completely under three months to the very day ago.

Whoo ha, Happy Birthday me! Trust me, I'm ecstatic.

"...Croatia's Jude Law."

2005-08-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time of year again. It's the first day of classes here at UT and I'm feeling conflicted about it. A year ago I was so excited about my new job and being back in Austin that I didn't even get a hint of the melancholy I'm feeling this week. Then again, a lot of things were different. I was living in a totally different part of town, seeing someone (an older gentleman...sassy!), and felt a lot more connected to well, reality!

Not to say that I'm habitating limbo or anything, but I still feel like my life's turned into an extended episode of The Twilight Zone. There's this world of possibility and opportunity right outside my metaphorical front door, yet every attempt I take to step outside, I wind up in another room in my apartment. That's frustrating after three solid months of trying to metaphorically get out. It taps into anxiety reserves I'd much rather not make use of. I'm not saying that progress hasn't been made, that would be the ultimate self-defeat, but it's times like these; the beginning of one thing and the end of another, that depress me. I know I should be grateful that this terrible Summer is coming to a close in just a few short weeks, but based on my outlook at present Fall is looking to be pretty drab too.

In other updates, I'm moving to a new [cheaper] apartment on 6th Street (not the downtown part, a little west of there) and I've got a new room-mate who, if I were to compare him to a celebrity (and he's the first person I've known personally of whom I could do this type of excercise), I would say he's Croatia's Jude Law...

Maybe I should just cheer the fuck up and enjoy the...ride? I'm so cornfused right now!

Blag Hag Dag

2005-08-16T07:04:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling bloggish this morning, so what better thing to do than write about what's kicking around in my head right now?

I had a late dinner with Avani, one of my gal-pals from college who just got back from an internship out at UC Riverside in a GLBT center. She got a chance to work with a lot of great people and was amazed at the cultural diversity everywhere she turned. It made me really want to experience that myself.

We talked about how annoying the scene can become for a gay member of an ethnic minority in the South. You're either looked over or exoticized by a lot of people; both options don't give you much opportunity to really be seen for who you are, but instead for what you are. I can't count the numbers of times I've been asked what my ethnicity was before they even knew my name! Then there are the guys that aren't even interested because you don't match up to an Ambercrombie and Fitch model. It really is tough to get noticed in a positive light sometimes!

We also talked about our plans for the next year. I mentioned wanting to move because I've grown tired of Austin and Texas in general, and we talked about places we'd want to move to. She, having just gotten back from California and having loved every minute of it, obviously plans to live there at some point after she gets her Master's sometime next year. We talked about how we should move out there together next Summer, and I'm at the point where I'm seriously considering it. I mentioned places like Chicago or Boston but really California would be an exciting place to live. Chicago is full of family on my father's side who I'm not extremely close to, and I'm really not interested in getting to know. Boston was thrown in there just because I went there for New Year's and enjoyed the hell out of it.

Of course in my linear mindset, I immediately begin to worry about how I'd support myself out there and that's how I usually talk myself out of planning for something big like this. This time I'm not going to fall for it. I look at it this way: I didn't take the job I have now as a career move, it's just something to pay the bills, a holding pattern if you will. It allows me to maintain a life in Austin, and should be given up if I don't want to live here anymore.

The past year has been great in that I had my first relationship, and I've got something to put on my resume besides a string of part-time college jobs. But somehow Austin has changed, or maybe it's just me. I'm growing as a person and I feel like I may have outgrown my surroundings. I just don't mesh anymore with my environment, you know what I mean?

I guess that's the first step, admitting out loud that something's changed. That still leaves the question of what needs to be done about it unanswered.

The Situational

2005-08-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Fort Worth this week, but I think I'm going to avoid my family somehow. Maybe I'll just stay in town for the day and come back Saturday night. I'm really anti-family this Summer. Take this for instance: I got a call from a god-parent of mine who lives in Austin, who wanted to give me a printer they didn't need anymore. I thought, hey it's a free printer and I don't have one and why not?

After thinking about it for a day I decided to not go and pick it up because a)they live out in the suburbs and I'm not driving out there on the weekdays and I'm not potentially giving up an entire Saturday or Sunday, becasue I know that's what it will turn into, b) they have, like ten gazillion kids that fuse to me everytime I see them and I'm allergic to children, and c) [the big one] I'm not out to that branch of the family, which is composed entirely of black southern baptists.

Whatsmore, the last time I talked to them back in January or February they brought up the "G"-word [that's for "girlfriend", I doubt they'd be so direct about the other G-word] which almost made me laugh, but then I remembered that they still thought I was pitching for the same team.

All that being said, I've gone almost three years without a printer at home, I think I'm good.

Back to this weekend. I'm a guest videographer at Amanda's brother's wedding on Saturday. I'm always happy to help man a camera, but this time the camera's going to be in my hometown which happens to be where a lot of my family is, so I'm not jumping for joy at the very notion. The idea of getting a room somewhere is a little strange because well, I'm not used to paying for a bed in Fort Worth, in fact, I don't think I ever have.

I could check out the one gay club I know of in downtown Fort Worth, or I could foray out into Dallas-town and see what the digs are there. At least I know of more than one in that city. Who knows? That may be just what I do. I'll photoblog it even.

As an aside to this entry, I should thank my lucky stars I have a job where I can do shit like this all day and stay employed. I should hire a monkey to slap me in the face everytime I complain about this job...

Ragan Fox Gives Some Digital Love

2005-07-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

Who other than Ragan Fox of Fox In the City (http://raganfox.com/) famedom was the first to give feedback of any kind to AustinExhaustion, or Exhaust Radio as I like to sometimes call it? I'm totally kerplatzenschtadt and flamuhleholten over here!

Thanks Ragan for the feedback on my show or the "F.B." on my "S."! You can check it out on my libsyn blog and hey, comment there if you like it, or are you jealous..?

http://austinexhaustion.libsyn.com/

I Don't Think You're Ready

2005-07-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

Hey you knuckleheads out there! You know who you [two] are (hey, my readership doubled in the past week!). My libsyn podcasting account went active today and I've got an RSS syndicated feed up! But, why bore you with the details here when you can go to my show's blog for all the juicy subscription information.

By the power of magic and HTML, behold. A link hast appear'd to yon right, entitled AustinExhaustion!

My First PhotoBlog!

2005-07-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

Our young protagonist departs from his weekday workplace and heads home to his inner-city Austin apartment to waste hours doing absolutely nothing of consequence, maybe even watch some Queer As Folk! Ok, it’s actually not worth the exclamation point by now, since I’ve completely worn the series down to a nub over the Summer.

This picture is the first one I took with my new digital camera that came in on Tuesday, so that explains the unsure look on my face. It's refurbished, but works like a dream...my face that is.

After watching an ep of QAF, 3rd season, I decide to make the most of the last remaining hours of sunlight, I’d go to Peace Park. I hadn’t been in years, since freshman year in fact. I wonder how the place has changed.

The picture above represents me getting the idea to go outside during the daytime in the middle of July in Sweatbox, USA.

Once there, I come across a deserted homeless coven, or whatever you'd call a place like this...a little creepy.

I felt like Goldilocks, sneaking around in hoboland, or Hoblandia if you will. At least they had some entertainment set up to pass the time.

And can openers in trees.

I admit, I'm being insensetive to the homeless and I should have quit snapping away. Something caught my eye though.

Homeless and nude?

Clothes strewn about like a fucking Collin Ferrell sex tape was being produced on site at the park.

I knew it was time to go when I heard rustling in the bushes.

So, there ended my first trip into Peace Park in over five years. I wasn't missing out on very much I guess, unless I ever want to play strip-darts with 8-toe Mary and Chlymidia Stephen.

I shouldn't say such things. People will think I'm mean.

What Would You Call It?

2005-07-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 8th month since meeting Benjamin. We called the 19th of every month our anniversary, knowing throughout that we'd never really be able to celebrate a true 1-year later event. It's interesting that there was so much importance placed on the 19th yet it was always unsaid; like we didn't want to own up to our feelings about each other in light of the brevity of our time together.

It's hard for me to even believe that in just two short weeks, it will be two months since I've seen Ben, since we broke up. That's a third of our relationship that we've been separated! It's basic arithmetic, yes, but it just scares me still. I feel like I'm stuck on a train, barreling down its tracks that just won't stop. My station, to prolong the similie, was way back on June 2nd, or more likely June 1st and I remember jamming the emergency brake down and having the lever come off in my hands. It cut me too, deep even.

Two months later, a scary two months at that, I've thrown aside the lever; the high idealism that led me to believe I could start a new life in Germany, if you will, and I've become...what? Complacent? Resigned? Defeated? All of the Above?

Is a better question where this "train" is taking me? Or perhaps better phrased: Where am I going with this "train". I like the latter, at least it puts some semblence of control over my situation and counterbalances the erratic shit that my idealism and impulsivity contribute to.

FlickR [the Bean]

2005-07-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

Since this is the only place I have to plug shit, I'm going to ask my [1] fan(s) to check out my FlickR webpage. It's even linked in that special area to the right of posts titled "links". Just added today are pics from New Years in Boston!

Or just click here.

iPod-ify your Photos...What the Fuck?

2005-07-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

I thought it was a cute idea, turning your photos into sillouhettes a la the current iPod ads sounded like fun, but then I click the link and they want $24 per photo?! I mean come on! Then there’s some bullshit about being collector’s items because only a thousand are going to be produced. That’s $24,000 someone is expecting to make off a couple of quick filters in Photoshop.

I wonder if I can get suckers to pay $15 so I can retouch their photos and turn them into the BlueMan Group.

This goes into the iRetarded folder
http://ipodmyphoto.com/

The Qpodder Skinny

2005-07-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

In my 2-day gush about podcasting, I wanted to highlight a great website called Qpodder. It's a centralized space where queer-friendly podcasters/reviewers and fans can all gather to get the skinny on what's happening with this exciting medium with a distinct queer perspective unsurprisingly absent in the iTunes directories.

You can read their very first press release right here.

My iPod Got the Gay!

2005-07-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

Podcasts are the shit!

Ok, so there is one joy that I’ve discovered recently: Podcasts.

Think of the dirtiest radio show that can make you raise your hand right to your mouth and gasp in your most coquettish voice, “I verily canst believe he doth speak that way in public venue!”

All you need is iTunes version 4.9 to access these awesome independently-produced, non FCC regulated “radio” shows. See, they aren’t broadcast over public airwaves so the FCC can’t say shit about content. They’re actually subscription-based shows you order at no cost through iTune’s new podcast directory. I started my podcast collection by simply typing in “gay” and hitting the search button. A world of entertainment opportunities opened before me.

The first I listened to was gaysexcapades, this guy just talks about his various hookups and sexual experiences in general. Next was GayPornTalk, a video-review show hosted by two fun-loving queens. I was intrigued by that point, so much so that I just started subscribing to more and more podcasts I’m now up to about a half-dozen, some of them update their content daily, so I’ve got lots to listen to at least.

My favorites:
FeastOfFools
Yeast Radio
Fox and the City
(Ragan Fox will become my next stalk vicitim!)

Relapse

2005-07-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

Boy did I hit rock-bottom hard...again.

Ok, here's the deal. Back in early June, Benjamin (my boyfriend of some six months) was suddenly whisked away back to his homeland of Germany and just as suddenly my sense of self was completely shattered. He was my first boyfriend, my first Love and then…very, very far away.

Anyone who's gone through this knows that there is nothing quite like it in the emotional menu we're handed and it's something everyone will experience to some degree at some point in their life

I spent the first week after he left in an emotional blankness, I was so numb to reality that I avoided two days of work and drove to Abilene for the weekend so I wouldn't be alone. I felt dangerous to myself, scared of myself. I was on the verge of something relatively dark, a self destructive malaise was threatening to consume me. Fortunately, getting out of town took my mind off of things and I got some quality time with my married friends Amanda and Brad. I must have been a wreck, because Amanda who I'd already talked [sobbed] over the phone to on the day of Ben's take-off and the morning after, fixed up a sympathy basket she aptly named "Cry-Basket". She succeeded in making me cry all over again once I arrived in Abilene four hours after excusing myself quietly from work for an early weekend. You're amazing, Amanda!

So, the next few weeks were progressively better. They improved drastically because I started seeing a gay-allied psychologist I found through work and he helped me deconstruct some of the feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and fear that were dredged up when Ben left. I got some of those under control, but I lost some of that control this week.

I found that whatever notions or predictions of depression I knew would come after Ben left paled in comparison to the reality.

"It's like there's a void that Ben left in my life that's slowly starting to fill back up again, but I can't help but feeling like it's being filled with shit."

Monday morning started off well, but a temporary set-back on a project had a subtle, yet powerful impact on my outlook for the day and before I knew it I’m back in the restroom, breaking down on a bathroom break. I hadn’t done that in almost a month. It scared the hell out of me, because it felt like there had been no actual progress made after all this work to get back to myself! I also have to admit that this month funds are a little tight, so I’m stressed financially and emotionally this month. A double-dose of shit!

It’s only Tuesday evening, so I can’t say the week has gotten significantly better but today was less raw than yesterday. I spent most of it on a Newsletter project I’m finally getting a chance to work on. I can’t help but point out that this project was something I began working on weeks, months before Ben left. It’s been like that since June; thinking a lot of items in terms of Ben:

"This can of coffee we bought together just before our camping trip."

Or the sad:
"Ben was here the last time I had to move this bed and sweep, we watched Phantom of the Paradise afterwards."

That kind of shit keeps cropping up in my mind, bogging down the emotional machinery that keeps me in one mood or another. I guess it’s funk-inducing.

In other news, I get my digital camera sometime this week, unless I got eBay-scammed. So, that’s something to look forward to.

The Dilemma

2005-07-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

Art School

VS.

Evolutionary...Psychology...Anthropology?

Round One!

But seriously, here's an excerpt from my personal journal, which in time may just become my blog, that is if I can really give up the feel of freehand:

I'm keeping in mind that my enthusiasm may be inspired by an outside source and that has gotten me into a lot of trouble before. If only there was a tried and true method to figure out what Brandon wants to do with that life of his...

On my way home, I stopped at Funny Papers, but no new books today, because the holiday on Monday pushes back national shipping dates. While I was still in a shopping mood, I stopped in at Blue Velvet and got yet another vintage t-shirt. On my way out I picked up and AMOA art school catalogue!

This brought up my artistic longings all over again and I'm even considering putting money down for a class. The only one that I really want though ended on the fifth; the other one [I'm remotely interested in is] a Life-Drawing boot camp, which sounds fun, but isn't worth the money for just two days of instruction.

It would be nice to get some formal training in drawing before committing myself to a program or even begin considering moving for art school. What if that alone would satisfy my artistic longing, leaving me open to pursue my more academic interests concurrently? That would be ideal, yet I don't know if it's accurate to what's in my best interests [whatever that means!]. I never officially swore the role of student off, I was just sick of it. But after a year of no school/no student status, it's beginning to look appealing again, especially if I can get behind it, be motivated...

You see, that's my problem: Lack of motivation, or perhaps it's a lack of inspiration. Actually, it may be that one leads inevitably to another and it only takes a little bit of each to really accomplish anything worthwhile.

Remembering the Good Times

2005-07-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

This is from Ben's birthday party. I wish I had smiled more that evening, but we both knew that we had precious little time together and it was hard to stay positive! He's a german exchange student, we met seven months ago, way back in November of 2004. He went back to Germany on June 2nd.

Ach, my Heart!

That's better! I did simle that evening; it wasn't all doom and gloom afterall.

Big Plans for the 4th!

2005-07-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

Or not.
This weekend in retrospect was quite tantalizing at some points, while it fell flat in others.

Take saturday night, for instance. I went out to OCH, that's Oil Can Harry's for all you out-of-towners with dancing in mind. The nearby Rain was much too crowded, or they were just creating an artificial line for publicity. I show up and the party was in high effect, I ran into some friends, one a recently transplanted Ausitnite now living in Longview, TX. (a.k.a nowhere), the other a pHD student in Psychology at UT, and might I add hot?

Anyways, I found having a conversation in the middle of the throbbing club to be quite easy if you're willing to shout almost everything and ask for things to be repeated...repeatedly. Pranj, the pHD student and I talked about his current project at work, a hormonal study about personlaity and dominance in human males. He was surprised I wanted to talk shop with him, but as far as I'm concerened it was a much more interesting subject than what everyone was or wasn't wearing!

Miraj, the guy from Long View is a recent Master's student from UT who moved out to east Texas for a job to further his career. He spends most of his time scheming of ways to get out of east Texas. It's career-building that's keeping him there for the time being, and i respect that. i tried moving out to west Texas last year after receiving my bachelor's from UT in anthropology to work in television promotions and productions (of all things). Long story short, yeah long story short, I lasted about three months and emergnecy-ejected back to Austin to work for my alma mater. Miraj is basically doing the same thing and seems to be succeeding at it, besides his profession, mehanical engineering, probably pays much better than the $6.50/hr I was making in west Texas! You go Miraj!

Back to Saturday night. Well, I hit the dance floor completely sober and ended up going home with this hot drunk latino. More drunk than hot, or equal parts drunk and hot. Basically, my impulse was to fuck but it changed to just getting this guy home after we got to the cab. He kept complaining loudly about there being no A/C. Some friends of his that he came out with basically told him to shut up, and I made jokes to pass the time. One of his friends didn't seem to like my sense of humor...or my presence there very much, but I'm fairly good at tuning drunks out I guess. It turned out that this situation led to the most entertaining development of the evening, perhaps the entire weekend.

We get to their house and a drunken fistfight breaks out between said friend and the drunk latino...over nothing as far as a I could tell. I find out it was a little more than that a few minutes later when Abel, another soberite from that evening, explained the relationship between Anthony (drunk latino) and Frank (fistfighhter). I apparently stumbled into one of those jealous-friend-spurned-lover scenarios or something. I wasn't into the scene, but it was 3:00am and I was pretty much stranded on the nice side of riverside...which is a hair's width from the bad side of Riverside, so I stayed the night. My car was parked at the Capitol, and that would have been quite a walk.

I caught some Z's until 9am and slinked out, didn't leave my number. He was still passed out. If I see him again, it's a nod and a wink, little more.

So in retropsect, the most exciting thing that happened to me this holiday weekend was a fistfight in my honor!

What did I learn from this adventure?
1. Go for the ones who can hold their liquor.
2. It's easy to duck a drunken punch, epecially if they're not even aiming for you.
3. A sunday morning stroll from the East-side to West Campus is quite refreshing.