What Would You Call It?

Today marks the 8th month since meeting Benjamin. We called the 19th of every month our anniversary, knowing throughout that we'd never really be able to celebrate a true 1-year later event. It's interesting that there was so much importance placed on the 19th yet it was always unsaid; like we didn't want to own up to our feelings about each other in light of the brevity of our time together.

It's hard for me to even believe that in just two short weeks, it will be two months since I've seen Ben, since we broke up. That's a third of our relationship that we've been separated! It's basic arithmetic, yes, but it just scares me still. I feel like I'm stuck on a train, barreling down its tracks that just won't stop. My station, to prolong the similie, was way back on June 2nd, or more likely June 1st and I remember jamming the emergency brake down and having the lever come off in my hands. It cut me too, deep even.

Two months later, a scary two months at that, I've thrown aside the lever; the high idealism that led me to believe I could start a new life in Germany, if you will, and I've become...what? Complacent? Resigned? Defeated? All of the Above?

Is a better question where this "train" is taking me? Or perhaps better phrased: Where am I going with this "train". I like the latter, at least it puts some semblence of control over my situation and counterbalances the erratic shit that my idealism and impulsivity contribute to.