Thursday, September 08, 2005

So Jealous

Writing about feeling disconnected is often an oblique cry for attention, especially when blogging.

I'm feeling disconnected this week, literally and figuratively. As mentioned in my previous post I've still got to set my computer up in my new space; being in front of a computer for eight hours a day really de-emphasizes the need for the computer at home, but I'm sure that'll change once I want to watch porn again, which will be any moment now, I'm sure.

I'm noticing a steep drop-off in online presence with my pals, but to be quite honest, I'm sure some of them spend more time on instant messenger than I do. I prefer e-mails and blogs to IMs, you can time-shift with those. I've got too much to do with my free time like podcasting (har), porn (har har) and catching up with my late seventies-early eighties night time soaps.

Dallas, anyone? I saw the DVD for season one and two at the Blockbuster last week and simply couldn't resist. Not that I ever watched the show when it came out, I was negative four when it first aired, and I was really surprised that it stayed on until 1991. And not because I have an affectation toward boot-scootin', oil-moneyed conservatives, at least not real ones. I just thought I'd give it a watch for the vintage effect. I have to report that these writers were pretty damned good. The characters are bigger than life caricatures of reality that get to be really addictive as the series moves forward. I'm already on episode six, and Shakespearian plot traps are already being set...I'm just waiting for the mistaken identity set-up to spring the first dramatic death of the series, but I'm almost certain that'll play out in the future "Who Shot J.R.?" story-arc.

Wow, talk about sidelined. I didn't really have a point to this entry, just thought I'd try to vary content a little.

My other blogs are so jealous.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Moving Out

I'm almost moved out of my beautiful two-bedroom apartment in West Campus here in Austin. It took a solid afternoon of grueling, backbreaking work to move the small amount of heavy furniture out of my old place on Saturday. Actually, it was the smaller stuff that gave me the most trouble, you see I lived on the third floor, so it's actually more convenient to move larger things down, at least then it's only a few trips. The smaller stuff that I moved without the help of Jude took forever with all the stairs! I still have a few things in the apartment, then I sweep, clean the refirgerator, and I'm done.

Actually I'm really sad to see the place go. I'm not upset that I'm losing the space, or the proximity to work. Well maybe a little, but what really gets me is that it, for a time, was a place where I was really happy. Things seemed to make more sense and everything was...right there, for a time. Things changed dramatically the Summer, though and all that sense and rightness morphed into something else entirely. For that, I'm not sad to see the place go. I mean, a new place could be symbolic for a new beginning and that's how I should be viewing this change.

Wow, my podcast is gathering dust in the corner right now. Excuses, excuses. Apologies. Whatever. I'm just taking a break to get myself resituated in my new space. I haven't even got my computer set up yet. I'm having a bit of a rethink about what the show should be. I like the audioblog feel of it, but at the same time, I'd love some original non-bloggish content. Podcasting to me is still incredibly theraputic and gratifying, but I wonder if I could do more with it.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

"...Betrayal of Self by Denial?"

Hey, in a sick twist of dramatic irony my birthday is tomorrow!

Three cool-points to anybody that can figure out what's so sick and dramatic about it. You have five seconds to comment.

Ok, no takers? Well here it goes -

So, I was going along this time last year. I left Abilene where I'd spent the Summer trying out a new life when I decided it wasn't working out for me. I return to Austin, get a crap-job that paid nothing, two weeks later replaced that job with another crap job that paid a lot more so I was happy about it. Met an older guy with an accent, messed around for about two months, but it didn't go anywhere because he's in the closet and I refuse to be (there were other reasons too, but this was the biggest one for me personally). Then, a month later I meet Ben! Yay, my first real adult relationship, whoo hoo! We skip the dating phase becasue we both agreed that it's tired, passe, and for the most part reserved for the heteros out there who still believe in it; I'm not discounting a place for dating in gay culture, of course. After a month in, I admit I'm in love, he admits he's in love and we shortly move in together. Things progress nicely in a steady linear fashion, as all things attempt to do. I suddenly found myself at May, knowing there was precious little time left, afterall Ben's an exchange student. Duh! Emotional sabotage, anyone? The alternative, betrayal of self by denial? Ooh, catchy. Anyways, I found myself on a shrinking island that went completely under three months to the very day ago.

Whoo ha, Happy Birthday me! Trust me, I'm ecstatic.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

"...Croatia's Jude Law."

Well, it's that time of year again. It's the first day of classes here at UT and I'm feeling conflicted about it. A year ago I was so excited about my new job and being back in Austin that I didn't even get a hint of the melancholy I'm feeling this week. Then again, a lot of things were different. I was living in a totally different part of town, seeing someone (an older gentleman...sassy!), and felt a lot more connected to well, reality!

Not to say that I'm habitating limbo or anything, but I still feel like my life's turned into an extended episode of The Twilight Zone. There's this world of possibility and opportunity right outside my metaphorical front door, yet every attempt I take to step outside, I wind up in another room in my apartment. That's frustrating after three solid months of trying to metaphorically get out. It taps into anxiety reserves I'd much rather not make use of. I'm not saying that progress hasn't been made, that would be the ultimate self-defeat, but it's times like these; the beginning of one thing and the end of another, that depress me. I know I should be grateful that this terrible Summer is coming to a close in just a few short weeks, but based on my outlook at present Fall is looking to be pretty drab too.

In other updates, I'm moving to a new [cheaper] apartment on 6th Street (not the downtown part, a little west of there) and I've got a new room-mate who, if I were to compare him to a celebrity (and he's the first person I've known personally of whom I could do this type of excercise), I would say he's Croatia's Jude Law...

Maybe I should just cheer the fuck up and enjoy the...ride? I'm so cornfused right now!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Blag Hag Dag

I'm feeling bloggish this morning, so what better thing to do than write about what's kicking around in my head right now?

I had a late dinner with Avani, one of my gal-pals from college who just got back from an internship out at UC Riverside in a GLBT center. She got a chance to work with a lot of great people and was amazed at the cultural diversity everywhere she turned. It made me really want to experience that myself.

We talked about how annoying the scene can become for a gay member of an ethnic minority in the South. You're either looked over or exoticized by a lot of people; both options don't give you much opportunity to really be seen for who you are, but instead for what you are. I can't count the numbers of times I've been asked what my ethnicity was before they even knew my name! Then there are the guys that aren't even interested because you don't match up to an Ambercrombie and Fitch model. It really is tough to get noticed in a positive light sometimes!

We also talked about our plans for the next year. I mentioned wanting to move because I've grown tired of Austin and Texas in general, and we talked about places we'd want to move to. She, having just gotten back from California and having loved every minute of it, obviously plans to live there at some point after she gets her Master's sometime next year. We talked about how we should move out there together next Summer, and I'm at the point where I'm seriously considering it. I mentioned places like Chicago or Boston but really California would be an exciting place to live. Chicago is full of family on my father's side who I'm not extremely close to, and I'm really not interested in getting to know. Boston was thrown in there just because I went there for New Year's and enjoyed the hell out of it.

Of course in my linear mindset, I immediately begin to worry about how I'd support myself out there and that's how I usually talk myself out of planning for something big like this. This time I'm not going to fall for it. I look at it this way: I didn't take the job I have now as a career move, it's just something to pay the bills, a holding pattern if you will. It allows me to maintain a life in Austin, and should be given up if I don't want to live here anymore.

The past year has been great in that I had my first relationship, and I've got something to put on my resume besides a string of part-time college jobs. But somehow Austin has changed, or maybe it's just me. I'm growing as a person and I feel like I may have outgrown my surroundings. I just don't mesh anymore with my environment, you know what I mean?

I guess that's the first step, admitting out loud that something's changed. That still leaves the question of what needs to be done about it unanswered.

Friday, August 12, 2005

The Situational

I'm going to Fort Worth this week, but I think I'm going to avoid my family somehow. Maybe I'll just stay in town for the day and come back Saturday night. I'm really anti-family this Summer. Take this for instance: I got a call from a god-parent of mine who lives in Austin, who wanted to give me a printer they didn't need anymore. I thought, hey it's a free printer and I don't have one and why not?

After thinking about it for a day I decided to not go and pick it up because a)they live out in the suburbs and I'm not driving out there on the weekdays and I'm not potentially giving up an entire Saturday or Sunday, becasue I know that's what it will turn into, b) they have, like ten gazillion kids that fuse to me everytime I see them and I'm allergic to children, and c) [the big one] I'm not out to that branch of the family, which is composed entirely of black southern baptists.

Whatsmore, the last time I talked to them back in January or February they brought up the "G"-word [that's for "girlfriend", I doubt they'd be so direct about the other G-word] which almost made me laugh, but then I remembered that they still thought I was pitching for the same team.

All that being said, I've gone almost three years without a printer at home, I think I'm good.

Back to this weekend. I'm a guest videographer at Amanda's brother's wedding on Saturday. I'm always happy to help man a camera, but this time the camera's going to be in my hometown which happens to be where a lot of my family is, so I'm not jumping for joy at the very notion. The idea of getting a room somewhere is a little strange because well, I'm not used to paying for a bed in Fort Worth, in fact, I don't think I ever have.

I could check out the one gay club I know of in downtown Fort Worth, or I could foray out into Dallas-town and see what the digs are there. At least I know of more than one in that city. Who knows? That may be just what I do. I'll photoblog it even.

As an aside to this entry, I should thank my lucky stars I have a job where I can do shit like this all day and stay employed. I should hire a monkey to slap me in the face everytime I complain about this job...

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Ragan Fox Gives Some Digital Love

Who other than Ragan Fox of Fox In the City ( famedom was the first to give feedback of any kind to AustinExhaustion, or Exhaust Radio as I like to sometimes call it? I'm totally kerplatzenschtadt and flamuhleholten over here!

Thanks Ragan for the feedback on my show or the "F.B." on my "S."! You can check it out on my libsyn blog and hey, comment there if you like it, or are you jealous..?
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